A Pocket Full Of Clouds
by joerandom
Summary: A few days after the final battle Harry passes through the valley of the shadow of death. And finds life.
1. Chapter 1 Death's Crushing Embrace

A Pocket Full Of Clouds

joerandom

Started: 14 Nov 2011

SUMMARY: A few days after the final battle Harry passes through the valley of the shadow of death. And finds life.

DISCLAIMER: I own nothing; I'm only visiting this universe.

 **Chapter 1**

Death's Crushing Embrace

Harry felt like he was about to explode. His emotions had escaped their cell, running loose, out of his control. It felt like a tidal surge about to sweep him away and drown him. He had started shaking a few minutes ago and had been helpless to stop it. He didn't want to upset anyone, that would only make it worse. He needed to move, to get away. Anywhere would do, just out of the castle. He started walking toward the hills, his head down, barely holding on. He walked. The physical activity helped, it calmed him, gave him some focus on his body, even though his emotions were completely unfocused. It gave him a sense of time passing, even though he lost track of time. He just wanted to hide. To disappear. He kept moving, up into the hills behind Hogwarts. The clouds chasing him, hounding him, pushing him.

He couldn't think of facing anyone right now. All the pain; that enormous river of pain. His, theirs, everyone's. He had nothing left. No control, no smile, no words, just pain. He walked. The clouds following him, pressing on him.

He wasn't always this bad. He could be normal, or what passed for normal these last few years. But not, seemingly, today. It really hit him after the funerals started. It wasn't just that person who had died, it was that part of a family who had died. Seeing everyone else's pain, their sobbing, was crushing. Grinding. Rending. He couldn't contain it. He was exhausted, spent.

He tripped and fell to his hands and knees. It was a shock. It brought him back to the present, at least for a moment. He stayed there, breathing, exuding small clouds into the cold air.

He sank back onto his knees and into the pain. The familiar encompassing pain. He had to keep moving. The lives that are gone and the torn holes left in those that are not. The lives diminished and dimmed by the hope and love that had been ripped out. Where can you go from there? How can you move forward? Harry was beyond anger, there was only pain left. He ran out of energy for anger. The pain had taken it all.

Harry found himself in a deep dell. A spring forming a small pool in a box canyon. A small stream leading away downslope. Rocks lining the high walls with trees overhanging in dim light. Moss. Soft grass. It would have been beautiful if there were any beauty left in the world. He couldn't see a way forward, out of the dell. It took too much energy to look for a way. He collapsed to sitting.

Where would all those lives have gone? All the hope, the promise, the relationships that could have been. Now torn asunder. The tatters hanging, to be tied off and cleaned up by those who can't bear to. The continuing reminders of what was lost. Dragging them back into the pain. He bent forward into a ball, resting on his arms. In the distance he heard a soft wailing.

Harry awoke. Lying on his back. He opened his eyes to overhanging trees hiding an overcast sky. It was now brighter than he last remembered. Mist clouds lazily, gently moving in the dell. The stream mumbling to the trees as it ambled past. Dew was everywhere. Except his clothes and for a few inches around where he lay. The air was cold, his breath rising to join the mist clouds. The cold was pressing on him, but not in him. His magic must be keeping him warm. He thought of moving but that brought back yesterday's pain, and he lost the energy to move. He let go, sinking into his depression in the grass. Energy leached out of him into the depression that he fit in so well. It cradled him. He closed his eyes and floated, losing up or down, there was only his weakness.


	2. Chapter 2 Life's Kiss

**Chapter 2**

Life's Kiss

Harry awoke again. He opened his eyes to a darker overcast. The trees still bending over him. He felt the pain start to rise up again. He heard the snap of a twig and footsteps. He dreaded someone finding him. He sunk further into the grass hoping it would cover him. He didn't have the energy for the pain of loss. It was too much.

"Harry...?"

Harry opened his eyes to see Hermione standing over him. Tears running down her face. His heart leaped. Then his body. He stood and enveloped her in his arms, her wild hair covering his face. "Hermione." He whispered into her ear, his heart ached for the pain on her face. He couldn't stand to see it. He had to hold her. To make it better.

She broke down, sobbing into his shoulder. Holding tight to him.

Now he was crying and holding on as if his life depended on it. Then it hit him. His life did depend on it. This was his reason to live. Those still alive. He couldn't watch the pain and not be there to help those he loved. In whatever way possible. "Hermione. I'm sorry I left."

"Oh, Harry. I thought I'd lost you too. I need you. Please don't leave."

Harry smiled through his tears, "I won't leave." He drew back to look at her, "I was in a very dark place. But I'm back now. I can't leave you alone with that pain."

She sobbed into his chest again.

He held her with all his heart. He would hold her for as long as it took. For the rest of his life, if necessary. He knew that pain, all too well. He couldn't just watch it consume her. He had to cover it, to soothe it. To give what he had, all that he had. He loved her.

After a time Hermione calmed to ragged breathing. Her head resting against his chest. Then the quiet touched them, caressed them. The stream murmured to them as it passed, "It's beautiful, Harry."

Harry turned to look toward the dell, too. The layers of mist were hanging in the air, moving slowly, the dew on the moss was dripping down the walls of smooth stones, the delicate leaves of the undergrowth with dew drops glowing a bright green in the light. The perfectly clear pool of water quivering as tiny rivulets joined in. He smiled softly, "Yes. It's very beautiful." He waved his hand at the scene, "A – pocket full of clouds."

Her voice was a rough dry whisper, "How did you find it?"

He shrugged, "It found me. I don't remember how I got here. How did you find me?"

She turned, hiding her face as she spoke into his chest, "A broom and a _Pointme_ charm."

Harry smiled and it carried into his voice, "Brilliant."

Hermione shuddered and drew back looking at the buttons on his shirt, "We should probably go back."

Harry raised her chin and looked softly in her red-rimmed eyes, "Not until you are ready."

She huddled back into his chest and sounded desolate, "I'll never be ready, Harry."

Harry pulled her tighter, "Then we'll be here a while."

They stood for a while, Hermione resting against him as he enclosed her gently. She looked exhausted. Drained of energy, of breath, of thought. Her breathing became even and she started to have problems standing. Harry conjured a simple sleeping pad, picked her up with a feather-light charm and settled in with a conjured warm blanket and Hermione sleeping on his chest. She hadn't woken. Her tears soaking through Harry's shirt and drying on his skin. Harry dozed, never letting go.

Harry awoke to the darkness and a quiet continuous wail that started up and rose in abject sadness. It was Hermione, still asleep. Harry engulfed her in a gentle embrace as she awoke with a small gasp. A moment's silence and then light sobs came from Hermione as the pain washed through her. She clung on to Harry with desperate strength as she pressed her face into his chest and cried.

After a few minutes Hermione calmed and Harry started humming the long low tones of a lullaby he thought he remembered. A few minutes more and they were both gently asleep again.

Harry awoke to a lighter sky overlooking the covering branches. Hermione was still asleep curled up and buried in his side. He tried to slowly stretch out his limbs one at a time to clear the knots in his muscles.

Hermione stirred, her breathing quickening, deepening. She stretched against Harry. Her eyes opened and looked at Harry.

Harry smiled gently, lovingly. He hugged her tighter.

She looked at him sadly, "Harry, how can you smile? I don't have it in me."

Harry's smile faded, "I couldn't either, yesterday. I came this way expecting to die. But today, I can see you now. I can see your pain and I can't leave you there. I love you."

Hermione's face started to crumple in tears, "But they're gone. How can you ..."

Harry nodded, "Those that have died are in a better place, a place where I can't help them any more. When I came this way – I had died with them. I didn't understand, I just felt. I gave up. I couldn't cover the pain, it was too big, I couldn't deny it, I needed to live it, to be honest with it and to express it for them, and for me. Then I could let go of it. Then when I saw the pain of others I knew _they_ were my reason to live. I had to be there for those I love. Funerals are for the benefit of the living, not for the dead. They help the living express their pain, which will allow them to start their life back up again. But you – I can't abandon you to that pain, your pain. You are my reason to live."

Hermione put her head down on his chest.

Harry ran his hand through her hair, "Life is right now. You may not have what you had before. You may not have the same life tomorrow. All you have is what you have right now. This is the life you are living, right now. Live it. Don't be caught in the past. We have hopes and plans for the future but they may never come to be. Don't forget to live now, not waiting for a future that may never be. Don't waste it, don't miss it by worrying about the past or the future. Your life is now. Live it with me."

Hermione nodded peacefully against his chest watching the clouds gently flow in the dell. After a moment she looked up into Harry's eyes, "Yes. I will." She reached up to caress his cheek and pulled him down into a kiss.

The End


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